"Pregnancy is the best thing ever!" I've heard it said. "It is magical, it is surreal, there is nothing like it!" All that may be true...but I am here to tell you, friends, that it is not the
whole truth. Because while pregnancy is an amazing phenomenon of God and perhaps one of the most miraculous of feats (I mean,
hello, you are literally
growing a baby! I can't even grow a tomato plant!) it also holds some of the least feminine and least attractive moments that you may ever have in your entire life.
Morning sickness is a misnomer ladies. Let's call it for what it really is, shall we? The three-months-of-hell. Or, for some of my poor sisters out there, the nine-and-a-half-months-of-hell. I mean, really,
morning sickness? It almost sounds cute! Just a little upset tummy to remind us of the miracle growing inside of us. No.
No! It is more like a three month boat-ride on turbulent waters--with more time spent giving mouth-to-mouth to the ceramic bowl than basking in the glow of being a new mom. Also, just for fun, your favorite foods will likely be the ones that cause said never-ending-nausea. And that beautiful caffeinated beverage that kept you going each morning? The smell of it alone will send you running to spend yet some more quality time with your new bestie the Ceramic Bowl.
Now, lest you decide this pregnancy thing is not for you, take heart. For many first-time mamas it gets better from here (for the next few months). There is a lull in the storm, if you will, and the second trimester is almost blissful and euphoric. You beat the nausea and aren't yet as large as a station wagon so you can, once again, find delight in this season called pregnancy. However, heed this warning sisters--the second time around may not be so easy! As my obstetrician told me (honestly and truly, this is what she said), "Your body is saying, '
You're going to do this to me again? Screw it lady--you're on your own!'" Well that is certainly encouraging. I thought we were in this together, body, but apparently you are holding a grudge.
While those beautiful first-time mamas often have that gorgeous pregnancy glow...vibrant and full of life with a cute little baby bump to show off....bask in it first-time mamas, because each consecutive child afterwards our bodies apparently feel the need to join a contest to see how fast they can pop out our bellies (as well as various other body parts) as far as they can go. And the fun doesn't end there. Oh no...did you know that you can get a hernia
in your pelvis? I did not, ladies, and frankly I would have been okay never knowing that piece of medical information. However, I had the privilege of experiencing it firsthand and while the OBs seemed to think it was no big deal (I mean, it wasn't
their pelvis that was ripping out of their bodies in the middle of pregnancy, was it?) I had some google-research sympathy when I discovered that many a mama has had this very uncomfortable and sometimes painful addition to their blissful pregnancy. Good news though, in case you were wondering. The hernia goes away once baby comes out...until you get pregnant again. Then, apparently, it comes back even worse! Thanks for that epic news Doc...I will add that to my list of reasons it would be crazy to ever consider doing this again.
There are so many other fantastic experiences that may await you in the third trimester, I almost don't want to spoil the surprise. I mean, you may get hemorrhoids (very sexy), have excruciating back pain (super great when you are working or have older kids to lug around), and develop insomnia (which, I'm sure, is paired along with having to get up eighteen-million times a night to pee, all generously trying to prepare you for being up with baby once you give birth). Oh, I forgot to mention the pension for having to fart
all the time. Did you used to hold it in around hubby? No more! You couldn't even if you wanted to, so don't even try. If you are not peeing as you walk, I'd say you're doing a-okay! (But, on that note, don't wait to go to the bathroom because one swift kick from baby and you
will urinate right where you are standing.)
As beautiful as pregnancy is (and I do, honestly, think it is a glorious thing) I have to laugh-out-loud when I hear the inevitable, "Oh my goodness, this is going to be the
best time in your whole life!". Because whoever is saying that to you is probably delusional. Unless they are a sadist who really loves to vomit and fart while simultaneously being in pain and possibly having a body that is so swollen it looks like you are allergic to being pregnant. In that case, you might want to run (waddle) away as quickly as possible. At the end of the day (or, in this case, nine-and-a-half-months) the majority of mamas will do whatever is in their power to
get that baby out. And then the time comes. Baby exits womb and enters world and you hold that tiny, wet, wrinkled thing for the first time and
nothing has ever been more beautiful. Or more worth it.
And despite the discomfort, the pain, the hormones (and let's not even talk about the labor), you just know that you would do it all over again.
At least...that's what I've heard. ;)
