Fearless

It is truly amazing to know that, as a mama, some of the deepest life lessons I am learning are taught by someone who fits snugly in the crook of my right arm. I love to read books by great thinkers and historians but wow, the wisdom and truths that comes from a little girl who can't even say "mama"...a little girl whose feet are smaller than my credit card...are often more piercing and more powerful than even the greatest of these.

I diligently study my daughter as she grows and learns, soaking in each new experience. One thing that has become apparent to me is her ability to take on new experiences with gusto. She's simply not afraid. Recently, I saw this play out in our community swimming pool. We've been going to a mom-and-tot swim class and my little one is the youngest in the class at six-months-old. I would think that as the younger one she would hold back, cling to me, and balk at the new experiences (I mean, I don't think I would like it if somebody dunked me under the water when I wasn't prepared for it). But she doesn't. She takes in every moment and doesn't seem to think twice about engaging in the new senses and skills I am thrusting upon her. She even seems to enjoy them.

I watch her willingness to try new things and I think "what if I lived life like that?" What if I put away the fears? Of failure. Of rejection. Of embarrassment. Of loss. Of loneliness. Of being not-good-enough. Of missing-the-mark and being shoved aside. What if I lived fearlessly? If I imagine that life for a moment, there is so much possibility! If I don't worry whether or not I am a "good enough" wife, I will probably end up being a better one. If I don't anxiously brood about how to protect my children from every possible thing that could go wrong, I will probably be a more peaceful and involved mom. If I don't wonder what my friends think of me and whether I am somebody worth being friends with, I will probably be more able to be the friend I want to be.

How often fear holds me back from living the life I desire! How often I let it. If I would hold my breath and take the plunge, like my daughter, I know that I would be a better version of me. I would be less stressed-out, tight-lipped, anxious...if I would trust. And live courageously. And stop worrying about my tomorrows and my next months and even my ten-minutes-from-nows. They'll get here either way. The question is, will I be who I want to be in them? Will I actually experience them? Or will I be caught up in the "what ifs"?

If my baby girl lived her little life with "what ifs" she would never learn to crawl. Or walk. Or talk. Or laugh. Or hug. Or love. I need to take a lesson from her playbook and take the plunge into life, reveling in each new moment and experience. Fearlessly.

The List...

I am mourning the loss of the post I spent two hours working on this morning. I thought about never blogging again and threw a mini mental temper tantrum. I ranted the injustice of my brilliant thoughts not making it off home base. I sighed (a lot...apparently I thought maybe enough sighs would bring it back) and was graciously comforted by my husband (who really has better things to do than encourage a wife who is distraught over something as trivial as losing a blog post...but he loves me so he comforted anyway). And then I finally thought c'est la vie. (I know, it took me a little while and a lot of unnecessary mental drama to get there...but I got there).

So here I am with my summer list. You'll be happy to know that in the spirit of this being my second go of it, I have shortened my list from long-and-drawn-out to short-and-sweet. Well shortish. (BTW, since June is almost over I picked goals that I have already started on, so as not to set myself up for failure. I don't think it's cheating since I am starting this endeavor with only six days to go!)

1. Start meal-planning. I recently started using emeals to help me with this goal (thanks mom & dad!). Check the program out here.
2. Work on a budget. Notice I said work on, not complete. I have started one and its a good feeling to (start to) get some mastery over our money.
3. Join a mom-and-tot swim class. I am happy to report that I actually did sign up (the last day possible) for a mom-and-tot swim class, and other than two misses due to inclement weather (one being today), baby-love and I have splashed about in the pool each morning since!

1. Celebrate the 4th. This might be a bit "duh" but my goal is to plan a barbeque, make a fun dessert, and keep a celebratory spirit!
2. Go Camping. Just a one-night excursion nearby to start.
3. Have an actual date with my husband. I know, I know...I should be going on dates all the time! But we haven't been on an actual planned-out, dress-up, open-the-car-door date since before our baby-love was born. So I'm really excited about this one!

1. Try my hand at fishing. It's true, I have never ever been fishing. (I was deprived of this experience as a child and revel in reminding my dad of that fact as often as possible). Now that I am a resident of one of the hunter-gatherer states I think I should probably remedy that!
2. Help the hubs get his classroom ready for the next school year. Just all the usual new-year teacher stuff...set up the classroom, maybe make something fun for the students, whatever he needs a hand with I'm in!
3. Check out a nearby ghost town. A hobby the hubs and I share...love to see all the old structures and think about the history.

1. Start a Bible study. My goal is to start a mom-and-kid friendly Bible study where kids can play, moms can chat, and we can all grow and learn!
2. Have a "goodbye summer" picnic. I never think about the transition from summer to fall, but each season has so much to celebrate! Saturday, September 21st is the last day of summer and I want to end it with a celebration! Who knows, maybe it will become a family tradition!
3. Celebrate my husband's 30th Birthday well. I have great intentions, but my put-off-today-what-you-can-do-tomorrow nature often leaves great intentions shriveled on the floor. This year, I want my husband to feel celebrated and loved as he steps into a new decade!

There you have it. My summer list. It certainly isn't everything I want to do, but its a good start! If I can fit in walking 100 miles, reading at least 3 books, finishing (and by finishing I mean starting) my "beach ball" project for baby-love, trying to get to church at least 3 out of every 4 Sundays, and investing intentionally in my relationships I will be all set. And of course, with all these things the most important is to find joy in each day and love my family well. So here's to an intentionally-lived summer!

Just Do It!

 I am addicted to lists. There should be a self-help program for people like me. I mean, I'm not talking about just a little list here or there. I'm talking about madly-in-love-I-get-butterflies-when-I-see-a-good-list kind of infatuated. (I might have hesitated admitting that last bit about butterflies due to embarrassment over my obsession...but I decided to keep it real). In fact, the majority of the time I get "lost" when I'm on the internet (you know what I mean, the "5 minutes" you were going to hop on turns into...well, lets just say way too long) is because I have been dragged from one list to another. Pinterest is no help, that thing ropes you in and doesn't let go. Did you like that list of Top-25-Books-To-Read-In-2013? Well how about seventy-five more? And two hours later I am trudging along with like thirteen pages open trying to soak it all in. Oh my.

Anyway, this morning (after a bout of list-mania last night) I was thinking about all of the "summer-fun" ideas I had seen on various lists I came across. There are just so many I want to do! I not only want to experience them, but I want to pull out that Sharpie and start crossing things off! (Because as every list-lover knows, the thrill of crossing something off of the list is something akin to euphoria). The problem is, along with my list-addiction problem I have another. Procrastination. So I might have great ideas of what I want to accomplish (today, this week, this month, this year) but the truth is that if I don't have a plan, a lot of times it doesn't happen.

So I came up with a plan! I will pick three non-negotiables to do each month of summer. They will be things I have wanted to do or planned to do but haven't actually done. Along with my "non-negotiables" I will pick between three and five extras to do each month if time allows. And lucky you...you have a part to play in this endeavor! You will be my accountability to said list! Each time I accomplish a summer goal I will "cross it off" by letting you know it got done. (Nerd alert: I am so excited about this I almost can't sit still...that's when you know you might be a little too over-the-top about list-making). So procrastination, take that! You don't stand a chance against my millions (okay, tens) of faithful readers!

June is almost over so I'd better get cracking! Tomorrow's post will be my list, and I would love to hear your summer "bucket lists" as well...along with what you have actually accomplished so far! Happy Monday!

Today is Monday so I am linking up with The Better Mom for "Better Mom Mondays"! You can get to her site by clicking here!  

Confessions of an Imperfect Mom

I have a confession to make. I am a bit of a perfectionist. Let's say I'm a recovering perfectionist...that sounds a little more optimistic. The thing is, I didn't start out as a perfectionist. As a kid I had the messiest room this side of anywhere and my mom probably still mumbles something akin to "Pick that mess up now...that's the last time I'm telling you!" in her sleep. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but somewhere around the time my high school boyfriend started teasing me for my pressing need to have all the sugar packets facing in the same direction at a restaurant, I realized I might be a little too cozy with needing things "just so".

While I no longer fret over sugar packet arrangements, the tendency towards feeling the need to be faultless still hangs around. To the unattuned eye these perfectionistic tendencies would probably not be apparent. I have the home of any normal parent of young kids. There are baby toys spread from hither to yon, dishes are in the sink as we speak (because I am currently avoiding them like the plague), and if you happen to sit down on my couch you will probably rise with dog hair stuck to your rear end...or maybe it will be baby spit up. It's really a toss up.

My point is, the need for things to be "just so" doesn't run through every area of my life. Like most perfectionists, I prefer to focus on a few things to be persnickety about. Unfortunately, the majority of

the time, my focus is on...me. Call it egocentric (because it is) but the one thing I want to be perfectly perfect all the time is me. I want to be the perfect wife. I want to be the perfect mom. I want my attitude to be perfect. I want my words to be perfect. I can give myself all the "self-talk" I want, but at the end of the day when I don't live up to those lofty standards I set for myself, that big red marker comes out and I give myself an "F".

Lately I have been thinking about how I want my daughter to view herself as she grows up. Like any good mom, I want her to have self-confidence. I want her to be a kind person. I want her to make healthy choices and I want her to love Jesus with all her might. But I also want her to have grace for herself when she fails. And I want her to be able to laugh when she makes a mistake. And I want her to know that she is loved no matter what. There will never be a big red "F" for her. Because each failure is a lesson, and through each failure we have an opportunity to grow.

The thing is (you know what's coming) if I want those things for her, I have to be the example. I have to be an example of kindness and graciousness both towards others and towards myself. I have to

show her that mistakes are opportunities to grow, and that when we fall we get back up and dust ourselves off. I will never be a perfect mom, no matter how bad I want to and no matter how hard I try. I need to be okay with that. I need to remember that most of what I teach my daughter won't be with my mouth, it will be with my actions. When I fall, how do I get back up? And what path do I take from that point? She will be watching. And my heart's hope is that when she falls, instead of finding me laying there in the dirt unwilling to rise, she will see me standing with an outstretched hand, ready to help her up.